He Said That?

From time to time I have blogged some of the crazy things my husband has said. I literally left the family for a few minutes just now to share this with you.

Two conversations from today:

Conversation #1:

I had just purchased a dozen donuts from Lamars. A donut joint here in KC that we had never tried. I had mine on the way home, and pointed out the box to John and said: “These donuts are incredible”

John: “Are they good?”

Conversation #2:

Set the stage: John ironing in the bedroom (yes, he irons everything). Kids jumping on the bed. Nick and Tay hanging out waiting til we’re all ready to go. I’m trying to fix my hair and put on a clean t-shirt.

I say: Nick run to the laundry room and get the green t-shirt that is hanging to dry. I want to wear it.

Nick leaves.

John says, “You’re making him wear your t-shirt?”

I say, “John, if you’re not really paying attention, don’t assume that what you’ve just heard is totally idiotic.”

He says, “That may be the best advice I have ever been given.”

I love my husband. He makes me laugh, and if you’re not married to a right brained musician with a tinge of ADD you may not appreciate this fully.

Planes, Vodka & Andre … oh my ….

Hi guys, this is John.  The following is my perspective on the first few hours upon landing in Ukraine. Trace gave you all of the really important stuff now I will fill you in on the non-essentials. Hey, it’s what I do best. 
Flying into Kiev was one of the most surreal & scary experiences I have ever been through.  First of all the stewardesses that flew us from Germany into Kiev were way less friendly and approachable than any of the previous stewardesses we had had during the day. I went to ask one if it was ok for me to get out of my seat and use the restroom. When I saw the look on her face, I sat back down and said to myself,  “Ya know John, it’s just gonna be way easier and more pleasant for you to just pee your pants. It’s warm and hey, you’re in Europe, so it’s not like your gonna smell a whole lot worse than some of the people that are sitting around you.”
The control tower at the Kiev airport was a little scary. It looked like a torn up apartment building from Harlem with an early 80’s satellite strapped to the top of it.  It looked like they rented most of it out as apartments as I noticed clothing draped over the sides of some of the balconies. I was hoping that the air-traffic controller dude was helping us land and not slamming down a significant amount of Russian Vodka. Looking back, in reality, I’m sure he was helping our plane land, as well as slamming a significant amount of Russian Vodka. 
The passport officers had uniforms that resembled the “Stalin years”.  Maybe “retro” is in. The officer we had was a pretty little 18 year old girl.  Working passport control appeared to be an after school job for her.  She passed both of us on without any questions.  After getting our bags, we passed through the 2nd phase, customs, which now looking back I realize was not a phase at all. As a matter of fact, most people just walked on by the officers sitting by the big X-Ray machine. They only pulled you over to “ray” your bags if you looked suspicious. Of course, I very rarely break the rules so without hesitation I made a “b line” for “Officer Igor” and his side kick “Stiny.” I quickly put my bags up on the conveyer belt and looked up at the officer who was looking at me like, “Hey, thanks for making my day just a little harder there pal”.  Afterwards Trace said to me ” I don’t think we had to do that, in the future honey, just keep walking, you have that ‘special needs’ look about you, go with that, it could help us on this trip.”
Leaving customs and walking into the lobby was interesting.  Suddenly their was a mob of people standing near the doors. It was like they were waiting for a rock star or something. I thought,  “Hey maybe they have seen me on God TV!”,  NOT.  Most of them were taxi drivers trying to drum up some business.  Thankfully, our driver was standing right in front with a sign that said “Tracie Loux” on it.  Not sure why my name was not on there, but I guess for those of you who know me, this would make total sense.  I mean if it had my name on it I would walk on by for sure and Trace would have to say, “Hey genius, your name is John Loux,  so I’m guessing the guy holding the sign would be our driver.”  Speaking of our driver, his name was Andre. 
Andre was a very big big boy. He took ALL of our luggage and said “follow me”. We followed him outside of the airport which looked like a scene from “The Shawshank Redemption.”  Way Huge Ukrainian dudes in ski caps, smoking cigar’s and looking at me like ” You are American, I kill American”.  Almost peed my pants again, so I  stayed close to Andre. 
When your safety is entrusted to a guy who you are “hoping” is on your side because he has the  capacity to kill you at any moment, you suddenly start negotiating with God.  I have seen this guy before in Russian movies, I swear I have.  Unfortunately he was the guy who at the beginning of the movie would kill people, but then towards the middle of the movie  would be killed by his boss because he made too much of a mess when he murdered the people at the beginning of the movie, and now he is a liability. Andre drove as if we were in a chase scene, which concerned me a bit.  If he is not part of the Russian mob, or part of some mob, then I’m not a skinny white boy. 
Driving from the airport  on our way through the city, we drove past a Ukrainian Mattress factory which had 3 very different pictures on the outside, advertising what the factory produced.  The first picture was of a child laying on a bed, the next  was a picture of an older couple lying in a bed enjoying their twilight years, and finally, there was a picture of a “hooker lady”, dressed very Fredricks of Hollywood-ish and ready for what I assumed was well …. work.  Anyway I guessed they got it all covered, I mean gee whiz, like the public could not figure it out on their own!  I mean I’m guessing that if you were a hooker lady in the Ukraine  you would see that sign and not go ” Well crap dang, I gotta get me one of those new fangled things!”.  I guess Ukrainian marketing people are just overachievers. 
Well, we made it to our apartment alive. Andre carried our luggage up to our room and with a boyish grin and a high-pitched Russian voice (after we paid him $50 american dollars) he said, “Okey dokey, bye bye now!”  Guess he was just a big ‘ole  teddy bear after all.   
More from the coldest place on earth later.  

"Oh, That’s the Add on, right?"…. Yes, he said that too!

Walking out of Sam’s club last night, I saw a King Size Bed being loaded into someone’s pickup. I said, “We should get one of those.” (We finally have a bedroom large enough to house one.)

John said, “What?”
I said, “A king size bed.”
He said, “Is that a king size bed?”
I said, “Yes.”
He scoped out the scene in front of us and said, looking at the twin size box springs that accompanied it, “Oh are those the add ons?”

I promptly told him those were the box springs that would sit UNDER the beast of a mattress they were loading onto the truck, and he said, “Oh, I thought those attached on to make it bigger.”

I laughed…. a lot. I’m glad I get to hang out with this man.
I’m pretty sure he was serious, but somedays I’m not sure. Maybe all this while he’s been uttering similarly brilliant statements just to keep me happy and laughing. I don’t care either way. Just being with him makes my heart glad.

Did He Really Say That?

I need to carry around a little notebook in my hip pocket. My husband says some of the darndest things. Those of you that have had the privilege of hanging with him will attest.

Today was full of one liners, a few that just made me tilt my head an think, “Huh?” Sadly, at this hour I can only remember one of them.

John handed Nick a slushy drink that I had made for him early this evening. He didn’t want the rest and Nick had just asked me if there was more. John gave him his. Nick made a face and commented that it was watery. John’s response was this, “You could make it again. Put it back in the blender and add more ice.” We just all stared at him.

(I’ll do my best to whip out a notebook and post more regularly on this matter.)