Child Loss · Grief

Of Course I Don’t Resent You

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It doesn’t make me sad to see you with your healthy child.

It doesn’t make me sad to see your family celebrating life.

My stomach doesn’t turn when I see your child achieving milestones that mine never reached on this earth.

I don’t cringe when I see pictures of new babies, or happy family photos with everyone present.

I don’t.

Not one bit.

Here’s why. Life is beautiful and magical. Every single life.

And that is what Mattie stood for.

The beautiful truth that very life matters.

Even a broken little boy with tubes and a long list of medical conditions.

He mattered.

From the day we heard about his little form, growing in another woman’s womb, we said, “Oh yes, little one, you are loved and you matter. Unconditionally, you are ours.”

Mattie taught me to treasure every moment, to not take one smile or hug for granted.

So when I see you with your beautiful treasures, your miracles, your gifts, how could I  be sad?

I couldn’t possibly resent you.

Because every life matters.

Your child matters.

You matter.

So I rejoice, I smile, and I pray for hope and fullness of life for you and yours.

But I ask you one very small thing…..

Please don’t take even one moment for granted.

Don’t overlook a single smile. Don’t be in too big a hurry to take one more hug offered by that precious one that kept you up all night. Don’t worry so much about dirty hands and a messy kitchen floor. Don’t fret over laundry left unfolded or pancakes for dinner because you’re just too tired.  Don’t sigh at the countless tugs on your shirt tails.  Don’t beat yourself up if you lost your temper, just say you’re sorry and read them a story.

Take more selfies. Jump on the trampoline. Go to the playground. Lay on a blanket in the backyard and read a story. Pack up a picnic. Slow down and look into the eyes of those you love, soak up every feature, the curve of each nose, the flecks of color in those one of a kind eyes. Run your finger through their hair and remember the texture, the smell. Put your face in the crook of their neck, breathe deeply, and whisper into their ear a love story that only you can speak to a heart that melts at the sound of your voice.

Every child matters.

You matter.

So let me whisper to you for a moment, “Life is a gift and you are part of that great gift. There is no one who can touch the world like you do. You are beautiful, and strong and you matter. Live well. Love big.”

3 thoughts on “Of Course I Don’t Resent You

  1. This post tells me the Lord is still answering our prayers for you guys Tracie. God bless you and your family and thank you for this lesson. I won’t forget, and I won’t take it for granted. 🙂

  2. Thank you for your beautiful words! I have recently lost my baby girl to a critical heart defect. She lived for 32 hours. The doctors told me she wouldn’t even make it to birth, but she proved that God is a greater physician with other plans. And even though her life was short outside the womb, she was a true example that her life mattered. Against all odds she was delivered at 7 lbs 3 oz, crying just as soon as she came out. She lived a life knowing nothing but love. I praise God that he chose me to be her mother and i look forward to seeing her again some day. God bless you and your family.

  3. Marcie,
    I’m so sorry for your loss. And yes her life mattered!!! Nothing but love and a reminder of how much our lives need to be the same!

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