Child Loss · Family · Grief · mother's day · My Kids · On My Heart · Parenting

Love Like You’re the Only One

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It’s Mother’s Day Eve. That’s not a thing, but the reality of Mother’s Day has been pressing on my heart for days.

I’m sitting here watching three of my children play. I have three others that are virtually grown and have become amazing adults.

They all amaze me.

Nick is about to become a father. He has already embraced the role of husband with wisdom and strength and passion. He’s a good, good man. Creative and brilliant. Compassionate and full of grace. My heart soars.

Taylor is entering a new stage of independence. He’s such a self motivated, committed, and creative soul. He’s quiet, yet wise. Introverted, yet hysterically funny. I’m sitting on the edge of my seat because I know I’m about to be blown away!

Isabelle is walking through a journey that could take some people out, and she’s allowing it to shape her and strengthen her. She’s so incredibly perceptive and strong. She gives to others even in her own weakness. She is a gift of never ceasing poetry. Her voice will speak to the ages.

Elia is a package of life and joy. She fills my heart with so much gratitude. She creates and writes and thinks deeply. She serves and loves and pours out her heart to others.

Aiden is a fire cracker that  keeps me on toes. His huge heart has a big ache because he loves with all that he is. He makes me laugh and makes me pull my hair out at the same time. He is stubborn and tender, and can flip at the drop of a hat.

Emma is a stunning miracle of redemption. Proof that God can make beauty out of brokeness. She is my reminder that God is love. She is learning to live with an open expressive heart. And she is hysterical!

My beautiful Amy entered my heart, and became my daughter and my friend. Tears just flow when I think of what this beautiful woman has brought to my life. To love my son with an open, safe love. To speak hope to my heart over and over again. She is a vessel of beauty and grace and strength. Oh and did I mention that she is carrying my granddaughter? My beautiful Millie who has already won my heart.

My mother’s heart is deep and full of love for each of these gifts of mine.

And at the same time, my heart aches with unspeakable pain.

Because of one.

To bear the pain of loss doesn’t diminish the love I feel for these beauties of mine. It doesn’t make me love less. I’m all in. 100%.

But because I love one more, a sweet boy named Matthias, I also love with pain. Love doesn’t end with death. I will always love a boy who changed my life. I will always love a boy whose smile shook my heart. I will always love a boy who loved music and stories and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I will always love a boy who spoke a million words with the tilt of his head and a sparkle in his eyes.

And because of that love, I grief.

I am not less of a mother or less of a lover of these children because of the loss of one. I love more.

And I grief.

100% the pain of loss. 100% love.

And yes, it’s as confusing in the heart as it is on the page.

So if you know a Momma like me who has lost one of her loves, don’t assume that someone or something else will fill that void. That is a sheer impossibility. There is no replacement for a human soul. We are all exquistely irreplaceable  and fill a beautiful place in this world. We are as unique as our fingerprints. And we are destined to mark the world with our love, one print at a time.

There is no one like you.

No one to love the world the way that you can.

Matthias lived a life of loving the world like only he could. His fingerprints were everywhere. Beautiful love shaped fingerprints.

So, today, I ask you to love like you are the only one. Love like your fingerprint matters. Love like your touch is irreplaceable.

There’s no one to fill your spot.

Love big.

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