Child Loss · Grief

Should Have Beens


Three years ago, I wrote this on Facebook. I was dreaming of the day my sweet boy would be free from tubes and machines.

I said I would weep.

I did weep.

And he is free.

But not this was not how I wanted his freedom to come.

Every day I marvel at his freedom.

Yet everyday I miss what should have been.

My friend Anna blogged today on what should have been her son Jack’s 16the birthday.

You can read her story and book review featured HERE today.

Her book Rare Bird has spoken to the depths of this momma’s soul.


So many “should have beens” in my heart today.

He should have outgrown his crib and needed a big boy bed. We were so close to that.

He should have had a bronchoscopy this fall that told us he was ready to say good-bye to his trach this spring.


That was part of the plan.

We should be freaking out about now, that in 5 months, he would turn 5 and start Kindergarten.

I was longing for the day when Mattie and Aiden would share a bedroom and get into all kinds of mischief.

I imagined it often. Dreamed of it for so long.

It should have been.

He should be almost walking. He was getting so close.

And he is, but I didn’t get to see him take his first steps.

He would have eventually learned to speak.

I should have been the one to hear his first words.

As the days, and months, and soon years go by, there will be many should have beens that my heart will mourn.

I did weep the day the tubes and machines were gone.

I did weep the day my son became free.

And I still weep.

Just not the way I imagined it would be.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s