Child Loss · Grief · Waves of Grief

The Weight of Grief

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Sometimes the weight of grief is soft and comforting like a gentle presence that soothes my soul.

But sometimes the its weight is crushing, pressing my spirit to the earth.

I am grateful for the gentle moments, and I am learning to surrender to the heavy ones when they press in.

I think one of the best analogies to explain grief is to imagine your life in an ocean.

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It surrounds you. Touches you continually.

Sometimes with peace, and you float in the stillness. But still it is there, touching you, even holding your body in place.

You breathe and are so aware of the presence of it, yet you are able to float, looking to the sky, marveling at the beauty around you.

You feel your heart beat, you are aware of the rise and fall of your chest as you surrender to the crystal earth below you.

The sunsets, you smile. You allow warmth to cover you, as the water gently suspends you above the depths.

The song of birds serenades you. You give thanks.

But the depths are just a breath away.

Sometimes you feel the stir of the waves beginning to start and you brace your heart for the turmoil.

This is when grief forces you to focus only on staying afloat, you can’t look at the clouds; the gentle song of birds is unheard.

It’s just you and the waves, enduring the tossing and turning.

It’s the reality that you’ve been floating in, but it is slapping at your skin, pressing you down, even filling your mouth with the salty taste of it.

And then the times when without warning an intense wave comes out of nowhere and crushes you beneath its weight.

Filling your lungs with the salty sting. You gasp for air and fight for it.

You are pressed under and wrapped in it. Every fiber of your being feels it.

You are capable of containing nothing else.

And the waves come.

And then they go, and you find your rhythm and catch your breath and surrender to the peace of floating.

You rest in the moments of rest and joy and strength.

You are thankful for the things that surround your life with strength and beauty.

You soak in life.

Until the next wave…..

And you are ever grateful that the One who created you is with you in the ocean, or surely you would drown.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast. -Psalm 139:7-10

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2 thoughts on “The Weight of Grief

  1. Tracie,
    You have such a beautiful way of expressing your heart!! I am in awe of the Loux family as grief and heartbreak are met head-on with steadfast faith, absolute honesty and unconditional love!!! I can only TRY to imagine what you and your family have been through and I’m well aware my imaginings pale in comparison to your reality, but my heart breaks, the tears fall and I simply ask God to draw near to your broken hearts, surround and fill you with His presence, make His love real to you in tangible ways, and give you grace to make it through the next week/day/hour/moment!!!
    Blessings,
    Carol

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