Capture Your Grief · Child Loss · Grief · Mattie

My Big Hero

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This is not a movie review. It’s just me sharing a “God showed up and spoke to me moment.”

(and take note of the Spoiler Alert please)

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We went to see a movie last weekend. “Big Hero 6”. Maybe you’ve seen it.

Maybe you teared up a few times.

“Big Hero 6” is the story of a boy named Hiro who loses his brother Tadashi. Tadashi and Hiro had already lost their parents and were being raised by a loving aunt.

When Tadashai dies, Hiro grieves deeply. He has faced way to much loss for a boy his age.

His brother Tadashi leaves behind a robot named Baymax.

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Baymax has been programed to heal.

He senses Hiro’s grief and tries to help him.

It is tender and moving and real.

As with any good movie there is a bad guy and he has an evil plan.

He steals Hiro’s invention and plans to use it for harm, not good.

In short, Hiro and his friends team up and use their scientific abilities to make themselves into super heroes to conquer the bad guys.

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They save the day, but in the end at the expense of Baymax losing his robot life.

Hiro is torn as he has to say good-bye to his friend in order to save the world.

But Baymax has only one purpose programed into him, to heal and save until his job is done.

As they face this climactic moment Baymax says,

“Are you satisfied with my care?”

Hiro knows that he has been well cared and is forced to say, “Yes”.

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And herein lies where my heart turned into a puddle, and I could hear my sweet boy say,

“Momma, are you satisfied with my care?”

You may think that Mattie was the one who needed my care. He was, however, the one with a very, very long list of medical needs, even labeled “medically fragile” by professionals.

He was, however, the one who was not quite four. He was the one who spent well over 500 days of his life in the hospital. He lived his days even at home needing 24 hour care.

Surely I was the caregiver, and he was the one in need. 

But that is not how it worked out. Mattie came to care for us. In many ways, we often say, “He saved us.”

He entered into our lives when we were grieving the loss of a brother. He took us in and with nothing but his pure existence, he loved us and change us.

I cannot recount the times, spoken and unspoken, when one of us would say, “I just need some Mattie time”.

What did that mean?

It simply meant that sitting in his presence brought light and life and hope and healing. 

This little boy was close to heaven so many times. He had be brought back to life several times, the first time when he was just 9 days old.

I know his spirit had tasted and seen what beauty was just ahead, and he carried that knowledge with him on this planet. He would often look into the distance at nothing in particular and just laugh deep belly laughs.

“What was he seeing?” we would ask. Angels? I think so. Something of another realm. The heavenly? I am quite certain. 

So when I close my eyes and imagine my sweet strong son ask me, 

“Momma, are you satisfied with my care?”

How could I ever say to him, “No son, you needed to do more, you needed to stay and love better.”

I could never. Never.

I have to say,

“Oh, sweet son of my love, yes I am satisfied with your care. You loved so perfectly well. You touched the deepest parts of me and made them whole. You changed your father and I and made us closer and stronger. You gave me back your daddy because your loved healed him. You change each of your brothers and sisters and taught them how to love. Oh sweet, beautiful, handsome, perfectly wonderful son, of course I am satisfied. So very satisfied with your care.”

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As Hiro says goodbye to Baymax, Baymax presses something into his hand. It is the computer chip from his chest that carried his “robot DNA”.

In the movie Hiro is able to recreate a new robot with this chip.

I can’t build another robot.

I don’t get my son back, but he has truly pressed his DNA into my hand, into our hearts, into the very fiber of who we are.

With his coming into our lives, he changed us; and with is departure, he is still changing us.

I believe the day will come when this present weight of grief will lighten just enough that I can feel his presence in my life begin to outweigh his absence.

I can’t build another robot, but I can build a life where my son’s spirit is reflected in what I do, how I feel, the way that I love and the reason I keep living.

7 thoughts on “My Big Hero

  1. So deep and yet so simple. Mattie Sam is love and he not only filled his family with love and cared for them, he went above and beyond because he gave me and many more of ‘us’ needy people that needed him to care for us and he has and continues to every day. He may not be here physically but he is definitely still here, spreading love and laughter. I still could bust when I see his cute little face and all his expressions. Yes, he cares for us and he has the best teacher. Jesus guides him as I believe he always has. Personally and gently HE has guided Mattie Sam.

  2. I first read this blog post and then saw the movie. Oh, how I cried for you and your family! Such a beautiful post…so full of love!

  3. Big Hero 6 was a sweet, touching movie and I cried my way through it. I cried again reading your post. Such a loving tribute to your little one. I’m so sorry you had to say goodbye to him, but keeping his spirit and love alive in you is the greatest tribute of all. Thank you for sharing.

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