There is no good reason why I randomly chose to rake up last year’s dead leaves from beside the front steps in my white sneakers,
Wearing a flannel shirt I grabbed off the floor this morning, not realizing it had smears of BBQ sauce on it from last Saturday,
In jeans that Aiden declares are old and should be thrown away.
It was something to do I suppose.
And who needs a good reason anyway.
I rake and think about the last time my boy sat in these leaves, these dead, crushed to the ground leaves,
Or had his picture taken on the front steps,
Or the last time he was carried down these steps to the ambulance while I ran after him in my bare feet.
There’s no good reason for any of it.
No mother should have to bury a son, and spend weeks and years of life with just memories.
No mother should have to, it’s just not natural.
Mary Beth Chapman said,
No mom can come up with words to express the ripping pain of losing a child . . . and no words can do justice to the mysteries of God in the midst of tragedy.
There are no words to describe what its like to have part of your heart torn out of your being.
There is no reason that a woman should be able to keep on walking and breathing when her son is no more.
There are things we will never know, never be able to explain, “whys” that will be asked, yet answered with deafening silence.
I don’t expect answers.
I do expect to somehow figure out how to walk and breathe again.
I expect to find a way to put one foot in front of the other and traverse across these twists and turns, these dips and divots, these hills and valleys.
The Eternal is my shepherd, He cares for me always.
He provides me rest in rich, green fields
beside streams of refreshing water.
He soothes my fears;
He makes me whole again,
steering me off worn, hard paths
to roads where truth and righteousness echo His name.Even in the unending shadows of death’s darkness,
I am not overcome by fear.
Because You are with me in those dark moments,
near with Your protection and guidance,
I am comforted.
Psalm 23:1-4 (the Voice)
Yes somehow He is near. Thankfully He is there as I inhale and there as I exhale.
I don’t have much to say to Him right now other than, “Oh God, please help me.”
And I’m not hearing Him but I am feeling Him.
For if I did not feel Him, I would be not survive.