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I’ll Find It. I Promise You.

Imagine you were thrust into a medical emergency with no medical training and no guide book in your pocket, but someone’s life depended on you.

That’s how the loss of a child feels.

I feel like I am walking through the middle of a crisis with no guide book in my hand, yet I am expected to survive. I need to survive.

I need to help my children survive.

My husband needs to survive.

The loss of a child is a tragedy that crushes the soul so deeply that there are days just breathing is hard.

I know, I know, “Don’t Forget to Breathe”. Thank God those words are engraved on my arm.

There are moments that I am able to smile and enjoy little bits of life.

And then there are moments that I close my eyes and see him. Inhale and I smell him.

And dizzying pain whirls through my brain, presses into my chest, and takes my breath.

It’s literally.

It nearly makes me pass out sometimes.

The deepest part of my soul cries out, “NOOOOOOOOOO!!! He can’t be gone! The boy of my dreams cannot be gone from my life!”

My heart resounds, “THIS CANNOT BE TRUE! Please someone wake me up! Hand me my son and tell me it was just a bad dream.”

So how is one supposed to live with that?

How do I survive this?

I know that I can. That I will.

I know the truth.

But for a minute, just let me ask, “How do I do this?”

And don’t give me an answer.

I’ll find it.

I promise you.

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