Adoption · I'm a Mom

I’m Not Perfect… Not Even Close

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Lest you think that my weekend was a magically perfect, Christmas memory making wonderland, I assure you that in the midst of decking the halls, lighting up a warm, holiday welcome at the front of our home, and celebrating one amazingly talented and handsome young mans 17th birthday, we had our fair share of trauma and nightmarish madness.

You see, I’m not perfect, and neither is my life. I am the mother of wounded children. Children with a past. Children with pain. Some days, I pull the right tools out of my tool box, and I love them well. Sometimes I care for their wounds like a pro, and other days I blow it.

Sometimes I stomp my foot and throw it back, just like that wounded child. Sometimes I get offended and take it personally, and even as I write, my heart is reminding itself that it’s not about me. I’m just the punching bag called mom. And with lots of amazing adoptive-parenting teachers out there handing out tools and modeling good parenting, I don’t want you to feel like a failure when you forget the rules.

I forget the rules a lot. I lose my calm voice, I forget to whisper, and I scream back at the screamer. I try to rationalize with the irrational. And worst of all, I sometimes lose my sense of humor.

I’m guessing, just guessing, that I’m not alone. So all you blog-reading friends, all of you parents out there walking through life with wounded kids, I get it. It’s hard, it’s really hard, and I’m not perfect. I promise you, I’m not.

Some days my love is weak. Sometimes I choose to love a child that I don’t like at all.

Once, when I was close to giving up because it seemed way to hard, my brother Derek told me, “Trace, your weak love is better than no love at all.” So, I keep loving, with my weak, imperfect, not-so-Christmas-magical love, and I whisper prayers asking for grace and strength.

And I remind myself that tomorrow is a new day, and I get to love again, with all my imperfections.

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9 thoughts on “I’m Not Perfect… Not Even Close

  1. Oh Tracie…..this is why sometimes it feels so very hard!!! I do not like being thought of as a superstar! I dream of doing it perfectly. I read the book, watched the video, but alas……I fail. It is hard work, and that is when your children are acting angelic.

    HA! Good thing I know our Savior as you do. Good thing HE knows I am not perfect and decided that I would be their mom anyway. Whew! Makes me think that my children will learn from me how to fail, and prayerfully, how to recover as well. How to ask for more Grace. How to seek forgiveness and try again, and again, and again, and again……..

    That is when you break out in a HEAVEN SONG! One that reminds you and your kids- that HEAVEN will be perfect, but until then we have to put up with each other’s grouchy moods, nasty faces, yelling, words that wound, and that is just in your own family.

    đŸ™‚ Love this post!

  2. “Your weak love is better then no love at all” has brought me to tears…alright, sobs.

    Thank you for sharing your life. I cannot bring myself to share mine often, but I do appreciate your open honesty.

  3. Tracie…I understand completely! Thank you for your blog, it’s great to have others who live our lives so closely to reflect upon and remind us that we are not alone! Keep up the great blogs. I need to get back to it an start updating Letters to Ross! thanks for the motivation to keep going!
    Shawn

  4. And doesn’t being inperfect show children we are human? To be a perect parent, a perfect adult, a perfect citizen must seem super extreme to these wounded children ~ they can come from some very imperfect places.Even ‘unwounded children’, if you will, would be challenged by a perfect parent, because we all know that perfection is unattainable and the illusion of such is just a better mask of the cracks we all have….. I believe these children know your heart, they know weak love is better than no love and they know their Mommas love them. They don’t have to model perfection, which can be daunting~ and perhaps learn that their flaws make them human….and it’s ok.

    It is better children learn that parents are people just trying to get through and almost perfect is actually a blessing…

    Keep up the good work Momma warriors….

  5. Yes, yes, yes! Thanks for this post. It’s honestly comforting to know that we struggle together.
    Warmly,
    Luana

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