Definition of VACILLATE

intransitive verb
1    a : to sway through lack of equilibrium
      b : fluctuateoscillate
2    : to waver in mind, will, or feeling : hesitate in choice of opinions or courses

That’s what I’m doing today. I’m busy sitting here vacillating.

Mattie left for surgery at 12:3oPM.  We didn’t officially know whether we’d be on for surgery today or not until about 4:30PM yesterday. I got the call while in the drive through at the bank. I choked back my emotions and finished the transaction. I had one last stop at Target before heading home. I cried my way through my Target errands.

We’ve been waiting nearly 10 months for this surgery. The intensity of the ups and downs of this journey just rushed through my mind and hit me in the gut. Yes, this is the last step in our son’s journey homeward, but WOW this is hard.

Today we handed our son over to a surgeon who will fix his heart. He is an amazing surgeon, and 1000’s of people are praying for Mattie today. That feels good. Mattie’s life has been spared over and over again. The Lord has been faithful to bring Mattie through to this moment- as healthy as he has ever been, strong, and happy.

We prayed over Mattie, whispered Psalm 139 into his ear one more time, told him how amazing he is and how loved he is, kissed him a gazillion times, and then watched him be rolled away.

More than ever in my life, I am so grateful for the assurance that the Father is with my children even when I cannot be. I know that Mattie is surrounded by the presence of the Lord right now.

But still I vacillate between fear and faith, between utter weakness and moments of strength.

With that being said, I am very grateful for those of you who are “holding up our arms” today, praying for Mattie, praying for us, and believing.

As I was closing this post, the nurse came in to let us know that they have all the lines in, have made the incision, and are getting ready to put him on heart/lung bypass. (I vacillate once again.)

5 thoughts on “Vacillate

  1. As I read your post Jason Upton’s song began to play. I think he wrote it for his daughter. He is whispering over and over “You’re not alone!”
    It seems a reminder to you and your family right now. Though you know it – Tracie, John, the kids, and Mattie — you’re not alone.
    Your Father is with you, in you, all around you. And your family, friends, even some of us who have never met you but care nonetheless, we are with you. Prayers of the saints are with you. The Wisdom of God is with you and the doctors.

    “Don’t be afraid baby, doncha cry, Daddy’s here, it’ll be alright. You’re not alone…
    Look beyond the window there to the sky above, to the open air
    Look beyond what you can see, close your eyes and just believe.

    You’re not alone….

    Don’t be afraid of your blind belief because the more you fly the more you see…you’re not alone….
    Dont be afraid little warrior-bride your victory is on the other side. You’re not alone!

  2. This may feel like your weakest hour. May you experience your heavenly Father holding you in his arms and kissing you a gazillion times. May you hear His voice telling you how amazing you are and how much He loves you. May your eyes find His and from there, an encounter that will endure! You are His! His arms are big enough to hold you and Mattie both. This is my prayer!

    In His love,


  3. I can’t imagine being any different! Grateful for the praise reports today!! Love you all and glad to have had the privilege to see a quick answer to our prayers for your precious boy!!

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