Definition of VACILLATE
That’s what I’m doing today. I’m busy sitting here vacillating.
Mattie left for surgery at 12:3oPM. We didn’t officially know whether we’d be on for surgery today or not until about 4:30PM yesterday. I got the call while in the drive through at the bank. I choked back my emotions and finished the transaction. I had one last stop at Target before heading home. I cried my way through my Target errands.
We’ve been waiting nearly 10 months for this surgery. The intensity of the ups and downs of this journey just rushed through my mind and hit me in the gut. Yes, this is the last step in our son’s journey homeward, but WOW this is hard.
Today we handed our son over to a surgeon who will fix his heart. He is an amazing surgeon, and 1000’s of people are praying for Mattie today. That feels good. Mattie’s life has been spared over and over again. The Lord has been faithful to bring Mattie through to this moment- as healthy as he has ever been, strong, and happy.
We prayed over Mattie, whispered Psalm 139 into his ear one more time, told him how amazing he is and how loved he is, kissed him a gazillion times, and then watched him be rolled away.
More than ever in my life, I am so grateful for the assurance that the Father is with my children even when I cannot be. I know that Mattie is surrounded by the presence of the Lord right now.
But still I vacillate between fear and faith, between utter weakness and moments of strength.
With that being said, I am very grateful for those of you who are “holding up our arms” today, praying for Mattie, praying for us, and believing.
As I was closing this post, the nurse came in to let us know that they have all the lines in, have made the incision, and are getting ready to put him on heart/lung bypass. (I vacillate once again.)