Mattie’s nurse today has an older brother with Down syndrome. It was so fun to share stories in the midst of all of our care giving today. I told her how Aiden “ate” my Mother’s Day present- you know the potted bean plant in the decorated paper cup. Yeah, he ate it. Mostly he ate the dirt. He greeted me after school with a huge, muddy grin and a mutilated gift. She told me about the time her brother spray painted their dog black. I told her about how Aiden and Elia slow dance and how sweet their relationship is. She told me about how close their family is. She told me, “I think we’re so close because of him.”
She asked me about our adoptions. Asked about Ukraine and whether we planned on getting 2 children when we went. I told her the story of Emma and how God surprised us last minute with a second child. She asked about the process, and I told her it was pretty much “sight unseen,” but that we had said that we would like child #2 to be a girl, that we were open to mild special needs, and no severe medical issues.
At that point, she looked at me, I looked at her, we both looked at Mattie and started laughing.
There I stood looking at my son, the son I would lay my life down for, with all his “severe medical issues,” and I couldn’t help but laugh! It’s funny how God has such incredible ways of showing us what we can and can’t do. Sometimes He just plops it in front of us and we learn to shift our gaze, broaden our ability to trust, and see things the way He sees them.
I would not have adopted my daughter Emma if you would have told me what would lie ahead in the year following her adoption. I’m just being honest here folks. I don’t think that I would have thought I could have done it. It wouldn’t have been about HER, it would have been about ME and what I thought I could handle. I would have picked a different mother for her. I really would have.
And Mattie, as much as I’d like to tell you that if I had known all of his medical needs and what would be involved in advance that I would have still said, “yes,” I’m not sure I would have. I’m just not sure. I would have probably thought it was too much to handle, too medically fragile of a situation for parent of 6 other children to handle. I just might have tired to find a different mother for him. I’m not sure, I’m just not sure.
Please don’t get me wrong. I’m in love with my children. I would do it all again. I would do it all again. I would do it all again.
I’m so in love with my sweet Mattie boy that if I had to hit rewind, I would say, YES and do it again. My Emma, sweet Emma has stretched me and caused my heart to grow in love. I have no regrets. I have absolutely no regrets.
But I found it utterly hysterical today to realize God is so much bigger than my lack and believes in me so much more than I believe in myself.
It was never part of my life long dream to be the mother of a large family or to have multiple children with special needs. God just surprised me, and allowed what was on HIS heart for ME to find its way into MY heart for ME. I wouldn’t change a thing. Not a single thing. And I’m glad, so very glad that God is better at writing my story than I am.