“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness’.” II Cor. 12:9 (NKJ)
Today began, as most days do, with a phone call to the NICU to check on my Mattie boy. Unfortunately by the time I got off the phone, my heart was not in a good place. Mattie has been struggling the past week with working extra hard to breath, he ended up back on a nasal canual the other day, and this morning he had to be put on the Cpap machine (more later on that). Setbacks don’t feel very good, when all I have been really longing for is to have my son home and healthy. We’ve had our share of setbacks these past 10 weeks and each time they come, my flesh rises up with all sorts of emotions: anger, fear, worry…. You name it, I’ve had it rise up in me.
The weakness of my heart in the face of hardship serves as a constant reminder that it is not me doing this, it is Christ in me. Without Him I am utterly weak and unable to stand. So as I faced the onslaught of emotions that poured into my heart this morning, I reminded my spirit that my only option was to lean harder into the One who is my strength. I am so weak.
I know what it is like to get caught up in the self judgment and condemnation that comes from focusing on perceived weakness, dwelling on not being “strong enough” or “loving well enough.” I have gotten side tracked by those voices in my head. This morning as I thought of Mattie, struggling to breath and needing support because of utter exhaustion, the Lord quickly reminded me of the importance of leaning on Him in the midst of my own weakness of heart, in my own shortness of breath.
I encourage you each, whatever issues of the heart cause you to struggle to breath in peace, whatever battles of the flesh leave you feeling too weak to stand, choose to lean hard. Lean and keep your ear to the heartbeat of the One who holds you and whispers truth into your ear. It is only when your head and your heart are properly positioned in His love that you can hear clearly and breath freely. His strength is made perfect as we allow ourselves to be weak in His arms.
Here’s my tiny boy on a Cpap machine. Resting up so his lungs can get a break and recover from working so hard.
He’s the cutest little honey ever to be on Cpap. I think he should model for the company.
And yes he looks like a tiny space alien.
Please continue to pray for our sweet boy.