I have asked the Lord to enlarge my heart, and I feel the growing pains.
I love Matthias Samuel Loux with an intensity that has caused my heart to ache. And with that ache, I am reminded of the longing the Father has for each of us. Longing to have deep relationship with us, longing to see us made whole, longing to see us each walk out all He created us to do and be.
My husband and I had a blessed day and a half together this weekend. On our way to dinner Saturday evening he said to me with great passion, “Trac, nothing I have ever done in my life, and I’ve done a lot of cool things, even comes close to what we are doing now.” We went on to talk about the fact that if we had known Mattie’s heart would be so sick, if we had known that we’d been torn from each other and that our family would be separated this way for 45 days now, we would have still said yes. This matters. Loving Mattie matters.
So as my tiny son’s heart struggles to function properly, being stretched beyond its capacity because of the defects, my own heart is being stretched beyond its previous capacity. As I watched Matties chest heave 2 days ago, his heart pumping blood in a way that was causing great stress to his lungs, I was reminded of how my own heart is being taxed and is working extra hard these days.
My prayer is this- Jesus, increase my capacity to love, enlarge my heart, even if it hurts.
Medical Update: Mattie’s heart started showing the symptoms of heart failure related to his AV Canal a few days ago. (Heart Failure is a horrible term, but it really means that the heart is failing functioning properly). In kiddos with AV Canals, there are medications that are used to lower the blood pressure and help the heart. Mattie was put on two medications for his heart and today there is a noted improvement in his breathing. The heart was basically making the lungs work very hard. So Mattie was heaving as he breathed. Very very difficult for John and I to watch. Mattie has also been put on medication for reflux. The pain associated with refluxing was causing his breathing and heart rates to be compromised as well. As I sit here typing today, Mattie looks amazing better and is breathing and resting peacefully. Continue to pray as we wait out the next few months til he is strong enough and big enough for surgery!
Transport Update: We found out Friday that Mattie’s insurance denied a transport to Kansas City. We are still going to move ahead with the transport plans and will get the ball rolling tomorrow. Children’s Mercy in Kansas City has indicated that if they cannot get the insurance to pay for the transport, that they will significantly reduce the cost of the transport and work with us on payments. We are believing for a miracle still and we are trusting the Lord to work it all out. We need our family to be together again though.
Thank you for your continued prayers. I am here in St Louis this week with Mattie and we are hopeful that the transfer will happen this week. John is home with the rest of the family.