February 6, 2009

Today marks the day we first met Emma and Aiden. Aiden in his rainbow striped girls sweater, Emma in her mousy brown dress, two little bundles packed full of secrets, some we have discovered over the past year, and some that may never be revealed.

The day we walked into their lives changed us forever. Opened our hearts to our own weakness and pain, and to the great capacity that the Lord has given us to love.  It has been a year long journey towards love. Learning to love. And praying to love well.

Yes, you look at those dear faces and you see how much they have changed and the progress they have made, but when I look at those faces I see how much I have changed and how much progress I have made.

I’ve learned that I can’t fix everything, but I can love anyway.

I’ve learned to recognize fear, worry, and pain as it is expressed in two tiny human beings, and I am learning not to take those outward expressions of fear, worry and anxiety personally.

I’ve learned that I have so much more to learn about love.

I’ve learned that when Aiden looks in my eyes with his sparkling green eyes and touches my face, I feel like a mother and there will always be a little ache in my heart that I wasn’t there on March 1, 2006 to welcome him into the world.

I’ve learned that when Emma curls up in my lap, asking to be a baby and quivering because the excitement of being held overwhelms her, that she is just trying to go back and get what she missed out on. It might be awkward and overwhelming to her, but she needs it desperately, and it is beautiful.

I’ve learned that when Aiden cries out in the night, it means he is probably having a bad dream. I wish with all my heart that I could make it go away, and I hope with time the pain of the past no longer creep into his dreams.

I’ve learned how to help Emma communicate her needs instead cowering in a cave unaware of what she even needs in the first place.

I’m learning. I’m growing. I have a long way to go, but I’m doing it. I am determined to be a student of my childrens’ hearts for as long as they live.

For more pictures and our February 6, 2009 update CLICK HERE


5 thoughts on “February 6, 2009

  1. I don’t know what to say, but I love the way you share your feelings. What a blessing you are to your Mom and I. We love you!

  2. I just happened to check your blog. I can’t tell you (well I am sure you really do know) how encouraging this is to us right now. We are having a case of the nervousness right now, but we are going to trust God will show us how to love well. I am so glad I have you for support. I am sure you know this, but they talked about this in class last week how it is important for children to hit all the stages, so if they missed the stage of being rocked and cuddled , through therapy you go back to the point of rocking even a 9 year old or of they are desiring a pacifier you go back to the pac. I think it is great how you recognize that need in Emma and allow her to go there.

    Love you lots. Have a great weekend.

    Oh and I saw the pics and didn’t recognize it as an old picture and thought John had gone off the deep end (or at least showing his 40 something age) wearing a white bath robe

  3. Wow! It’s so incredible how far you’ve ALL come!
    Love you,
    P.S. I only stare cuz I am amazed at the goodness of God toward you and cuz they are so beautiful 🙂

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