Adoption · Emma

I Can’t Fix This

I like to fix things. I like to solve problems. I like a challenge. I find great reward in figuring things out, making things work, and finding solutions. But I can’t fix this.

Emma has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I knew this from day one, but it was confirmed yesterday at our appointment with Genetics. Emma does indeed have FAS. With all my heart, I wanted it to be something else. I wanted it to be something I could fix. I called John as I was leaving the hospital after a 2 hour evaluation. I told him, “She has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, not that we didn’t already know that.”

And then I got mad. I cried and I ranted on the phone, “This isn’t her fault. She didn’t deserve this. This is the result of someone else’s sin. She was abused before she took her first breath. God didn’t create her this way. I wanted it to be something I could fix!!!”

The genetic specialists sat down with me after the evaluation and told me what I already knew. They knew I wasn’t surprised. They knew I knew. They asked me if I had read much about FAS. I told them I had quit reading. Everything I had come across was written to scare women out of drinking while pregnant. I told them that I had yet to find one website that was actually helpful. I was tired of reading about “irreversible brain damage.”

I didn’t do this to my daughter. Another woman did. And yesterday I was angry.

So you can pray for us. Pray that we will get to know Emma is such a way that we can help her compensate for or overcome any of the issues she has related to FAS. Pray that she will be healed. I reminded myself yesterday that her name means “total and complete restoration.” I know that it is no mistake that the Lord named her Emma Anastasia.

Today I want to forgive. Today I want to move forward and get to know my daughter in a deeper way. I want to learn what makes her tick. I want to learn the things that will make her thrive and to become everything the Father dreamed up when He wrote the story of her life. I want to one day marvel at the way He redeemed and restored her life.

Will you pray for Emma? Will you pray for me?



17 thoughts on “I Can’t Fix This

  1. “God didn’t create her this way. I wanted it to be something I could fix!!!”

    Tracie…I remember thinking this about Patricia at one time. Then it hit me. God DID create her this way. God knew everything that was going on as she was forming…in that secret place…scripture tells us so, and I believe it.

    I think the harder thing is to accept that God doesn’t build us all “perfect”…but truely, none of us are. God has a perfect plan, even what the world sees as damage is good in his sight.

    Remember… THIS is your normal…This IS God’s perfect plan for her, She Is complete…. and His grace is sufficient.

  2. Oh absolutely Clare. I know the Lord knew before hand that she would experience abuse in the womb. I know that He also knew before time began that she would one day be our daughter. I don’t doubt that for a minute. And I believe that He has incredible plans for her life!

    Thanks for sharing.

  3. You know I will be praying. I believe with all my heart God has a miracle in store for little Emma. I don’t know how what that will look like, or when it will happen, but a miracle is coming.

    As God is pouring out healing at IHOP, I’m praying that one of those testimonies will belong to Emma. And to you. Your heart has such a great capacity to love, I know you will find forgiveness for the woman that did this. Your heart will find wholeness as you walk this out, and you will also have a testimony. God is faithful, friend.

  4. Yes Ma’am… I will pray. 🙂 The two biggest issues on my little intercessor’s heart at any given moment are restoration & adoption. I’m excited about this assignment! 🙂

  5. What the enemy meant for evil, God will use for good. He said it, I believe it. I will pray for you sweet friend.

    mama to 7
    one homemade and 6 adopted

  6. When I read that part about her name meaning “total and complete restoration” I got chills all over!! Believing with you that her name is her prophetic testimony.

    Love you guys.

  7. I’m simply thankful that Emma became your daughter. I’m so thankful that Emma has a Mother that will fight for her destiny. You and John are such amazing souls on this planet…two people who have willingly determined to LOVE.

  8. Chills here too sis. Joe and I have had similar thoughts about Silas. Praying deeper understanding of how Big God IS! Thanks for sharing.

  9. You are so beautiful, Tracie! Oh, how sad it is. I know God will use it for good, but I will be sad with you for a minute. Oh, the grief that flows from a mothers heart when her baby hurts!!!
    I will agree with Dorean that one of the testimonies in the coming days will be a testimony of God healing sweet little Emma!

  10. Tracie,
    I’ve worked with a couple girls that have had FAS and you often can’t even tell! The girls are know are “normal” and don’t have any significant damage! Everything will be ok. Look at how much progress she has already made! 😉

  11. I am feeling with you! Our little (permanent foster) boy Shayden has also got FAS. We found out before we decided to keep him and it really scared us for a while…
    But God made it CLEAR that he was meant to be our son, so here we go TRUSTING God to make all things well!
    It is true that everything you read about FAS sounds horrific and doesn’t give much hope. I have stopped reading stuff a long time ago.
    I have been and will continue to pray daily for the supernatural healing and restoration of those brain cells that were destroyed.
    And I will pray for you and your family as you will have to “digest” this news. GRACE GRACE GRACE to you!!!
    xxx Isabel

  12. Praying for you, I think the thing that surprised me the most about adopting my son is how much I grieve his past and for his first family. God knows, God sees, God cares. Praying his loving and healing arms around all of you and the birth mother!

  13. Tracie and John we are so sorry. Even though sometimes when we know what the truth is it is still hard to believe and accept. May God grant you both wisdom and peace as you walk through this together and with little Emma. You have rescued and redeemed her life from the pit and not by accident. She was chosen by God for you both to give her life and love and hope. She already has made progress because of your love and care.It is hard to accept the recklessness and foolishness and sin someone has projected on an innocent life. In our Heavenly Fathers kindness He had you both in mind to be there for Emma and show her what love truly is. I can’t tell you how proud we are of you both for answering this critical call. Our love and prayers are continually with you all. We love Emma to death and she has blessed our lives already. Thank you for blessing us with this precious grandaughter. That smile is worth a million bucks and to hear her call your name is priceless.

  14. Sweet Emma, in the Mighty Name of Jesus, we speak restoration into your life. The Lord has blessed you with a family who will give you every opportunity to reach your fullest potential. Your story will bless many others in the years to come. You and your family are in my prayers. You are loved!

  15. You gotta remember– FAS is not a seath sentence. My daughter does not suffer. We find so much joy in her—- and she not merely surviving but thriving! I can see that for Emma. She will surprise you and bless every step of the way. Big hugs.

  16. Thanks Christine! That’s why I quit reading some of the stuff out there…

    THANKS for the encouragement! I may need to use my “phone a friend” from time to time. Email me your number please!

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