You have gone without a mommy for so long. Now you are discovering what it means to have a mommy. A mommy is not someone who dresses you and feeds you and washes your face. A mommy is someone who holds you and whispers sweet words in your ear. A mommy is someone who looks you in the eye, even when it’s hard for you to look back, and reveals LOVE through one glance of her eyes. A mommy kisses you and holds you when you fall down. A mommy rejoices when you learn new things. A mommy tells you over and over again that she loves you and will never let you go. A mommy sometimes goes out the door, but she always comes back.
You are starting to figure it out aren’t you? You are starting to trust me a tiny bit aren’t you? I think you might be very sad that you have missed out on having a mommy for so long. I think you might even feel a little bit angry. I think you’re afraid. Afraid it won’t last. Afraid I will go away. Afraid you will have to go away. I think your heart is overwhelmed with joy and sadness. Overwhelmed with love and fear. I think all of those crazy emotions you’ve never felt are raging inside and sometimes you don’t know what to do with them.
And now you suddenly find yourself craving what you never knew you needed and in fear that it might not last. You’re trying to soak it all in as fast as you can, and then you overload and your little heart can take it. I will keep telling you that I love you. I will keep reminding you that I always come back. I will stroke your hair and kiss your cheeks and whisper my prayers in your ears.
Sometimes your demands are hard to bear, and I wish I could somehow whisk away all your pain and all your sadness with one breath. Sometimes I feel confused and helpless too. Sometimes I don’t know what you need, but I do my best to give you what I think is best. Sometimes I fail miserably. Sometimes I feel the triumph of love. I’m done taking it personally. I know it’s not about me, but it’s all about the pain inside of you. I’m here. I can take it. I will convince you that I will be here forever and you will be ok.