I Will Not Give Up

Some dear friends had us over for an amazing dinner Thursday night. As we were sharing with them and talking over our journey, Sean had some great insight into somethings we experienced with Emma.

I hope I can relay it with as much revelation as he was able to express last night.

We were discussing how difficult it was when after three days of great visits with Emma that suddenly she didn’t want to be anywhere near us. He said something like this, “You know in those three days, she experienced genuine love and affection, and at that three day point, her heart reacted. Meaning, she realized that this was something she had been missing for three years. Her heart reacted to genuine love by letting loose some of the pain that she had been bottling up. ”

He felt that her reaction may have been a response of grieve. Realizing that she was safe, she was able to really express things that had been repressed for years.

Fortunately God gave us the grace to walk through it with her. It was hard. We had to really battle NOT to take it personally. I remember when I finally got the push from God to love her back in spite of her reaction to me.  I went into the room where she was playing with the other children. She was moaning and rocking back and forth because she had seen me. I sat down within sight of her, but not too close and began to just play with the other children who had swarmed around me for kisses and hugs.

After a while I moved closer to her and got as low as I could and gradually began to reach out to her, touching her foot or her knee.  I would leave for a few minutes and come back and then approach her softly again.  I persisted even when it seemed there was no positive reaction or response. To be honest I was baffled by the change in Emma’s response to us.  I didn’t even know at first if what I was doing would work or having any impact on her heart at all.

The bottom line is the message that the Lord allowed me to convey to Emma was this, “I’m here. I love you. I’m not afraid of the pain you are experiencing. I’ve been through pain of my own. I know what it feels like. You can’t push me away. I won’t let you. I’m pressing in. I will not give up on you.  I am willing to grieve with you. I am willing to cry with you. I am willing to bear rejection so that you will know that I will not reject you.”

Of course I didn’t say these things. I just showed up day after day and got down on the ground with her to show her that I was not giving up on her.

Jesus has done the same for me, and He created us to reflect His love to each other. He made Himself low, He was rejected. He did not walk away when we rejected him. He did not give up on us when we fell. He is not a stranger to our pain- He bore it all. He holds us while we grieve. He come close when we hide in shame. He is strong when we are weak.

I will see Emma again on Friday. I do not know if she will remember me. I trust that she will. I do not know if seeing me will bring up painful emotions again, or if she will know that I came back because of love. I am ready if need by to woo her again, to convince her once again, that I will not reject her and that I will not give up.


10 thoughts on “I Will Not Give Up

  1. Tracie, I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you! Are you bringing strollers back for the kids? Everyone has different thoughts on this…When we brought our girls home in August – we did not have strollers. I was sooooooo wishing I would have brought them – only for the airports! We did have those little harness backpack buddies which did help though. Its just that our arms got so tired and they really didnt want to be held all the time anyway so half the time they spent laying on the airport floors crying….

    The trip home for us was not as bad as I expected though! The airplane time was actually ok – they liked to eat, and play with the airport magazines and slept some too. The airports themselves were the hardest…they were soooo overstimulated by all the people, noise and motion. We were always so thankful to be getting back on the plane after every layover.

    The Lord will be gracious to you and you will get through it!!! And you will be all together again as a family!

    karen Shervheim 🙂

  2. Beautiful, simply beautiful. I will be praying for the reunion, the Lord will prevail and so will you!

  3. Today during worship with the word we were doing Ps. 19. God in His perfect wisdom displayed His attributes to us in His creation. This garden of communion that we live in. Towards the end, vs. 12-14 David is pondering His own heart and how he was created to declare God’s glory forever, just as the sun that was set in the tabernacle of the heavens. You were declaring the unseen God to a lonely girl and you were radiant! God’s heart seen through the eyes of a child because of undaunted love. It is a mystery and a wonder. You both are amazing!

  4. This is a picture of MY heart today. I am just like Emma today… pulling away from the very One who loves me because as He is coming closer I am aware of the real pain that lies deep within my heart. Pain that I was unaware of. Pain long ago buried away. He opens these places so tender and gently, though today it feels like an unrelenting tearing. And I want Him to go away so that the pain will stop. But just like you, Tracie, He does not just go away. He sits near just waiting for my “one glance”. And He continues to reach out even when it does not come. Because He knows that it will. Eventually. Because He knows, as do you, that His nearness is the very thing I need. And that as I realize that He is not leaving, despite all my effort to get Him to do so, my heart will begin to soften and to heal and I will indeed turn to Him and begin to love Him in return. Because He first loved me.

    Thank you for this post. It is a beautiful picture of my Father’s heart for me today. I can so clearly picture Him sitting near me, but not too near, reaching out to just touch my foot or my knee. And every touch is healing. Just as yours are for Emma.

    Peace to your heart in the journey,

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