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Baby Steps to Love

This afternoon I played for an hour with Emma in the main playroom with the other children- playing with her doll, touching her, feeding her a banana (she sat on my lap!), and then giving her a kiss good-bye so that I could spend the last 45 minutes with Aiden. A few minutes later the nurse brought her near our doorway where we were playing with Aiden and she allowed me to give her a toy from the doorway. I sat in the hallway outside the room and played with her. John and Aiden were inside and it wasn’t too long before Emma ventured in for a toy, and brought it back out to me. A few baby steps later and she had entered the room with us!!!!! 

She stayed with us for 30 minutes tonight. The nurse left the hallway and Emma didn’t even notice. 
Tonight we are celebrating the goodness of God and rejoicing that we have taken a few more baby steps closer to Emma’s heart. 

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Here are some thoughts I had this afternoon as I was praying for Emma:

Emma Anastasia,

To you I am a stranger entering your safe little world, the only world you have known. To you I am just that lady that comes in and wants to play with you and tries to talk to you in words you cannot understand. You have put a guard around your heart my little one. It’s alright. I will love you anyway. I will love you when you look at me with eyes full of fear. I will love you when you shy away, duck your head, and rock  yourself in comfort.  
I love you because I believe that God has chosen you to be my daughter. I love you because I know that before a minute of your life began that God began writing a story about your life. I believe with all my heart that in the library of the King of Kings, there is a beautifully bound book called, “Emma Anastasia.” I believe that in that story the Father writes a beginning that He knows does not mirror the end of the story. He writes a beginning, knowing that your life will begin full of pain and rejection. I believe He writes with tears in His eyes, seeing the affects of fallen man upon your tiny little frame. I believe that just as He wrote about your beginnings, He was flipping through the pages of time filling in the rest of the story with SALVATION, HOPE, LOVE, and COMPLETE RESURRECTION.  
I can only imagine what He has been thinking these past few weeks as FINALLY, the part of the story has come where He has chosen to send your daddy and I into your life.  I can imagine He was waiting with eager anticipation to turn the pages of your story these past days. This is the part of the story where your story and my story join. In my story, He wrote that I would learn more about His heart as He teaches me to love you. He wrote that my heart would feel more pain that I could have ever imagined as I pour out my weak human love upon your heart.  He wrote that He would give me strength and that He would uphold me with His strong right arm as I learn to love you. He wrote that He would give me the keys to unlock your heart.
I can only imagine His smile as you leaned over to accept my kiss today. All of heaven was rejoicing, I’m sure of it.  It was a tiny step, my little one, but we took it together. 
I can hardly wait to discover the rest of this beautiful story with you, Emma. I know this His plans for you are to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.  I know that when the Father sent His Son to shed His blood for His children, you were on His mind that day. The blood of Jesus was shed for your freedom and your salvation. I can only imagine what the Father has planned for you, Emma. Your life will become a light for all to see the goodness of God. 
So little one, though I am a stranger, I give you my heart and I persist in love because of the One who has loved me well and laid down His life for me.  Because of the One who has loved me well, even when I have closed my heart to Him, turned away from His kindness, lowered my gaze and tried to comfort myself with things that can never satisfy…. I am learning to love you.
Our story is just beginning.
Love,
Momma
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15 thoughts on “Baby Steps to Love

  1. Thanks for making me cry for the I don’t know, eighth day in a row now?

    This journey is so precious!

    Love,
    Megan

  2. Your willingness to be honest and expose all that is taking place makes me ache to wipe the tear from My Father’s eye when I turn away from His loving embrace to pursue something else. It makes me want to be a better, stronger person. God is using you and it will be a story that will touch many hearts. God is good all the time. Thank you for the privilege of sharing a glimpse of this incredible journey!
    Ah I can see Pappa laughing with delight over you all!

  3. This is what it’s all about. Who knows how many times Gomer rejected Hosea, running away from his love to a life of emptiness that could never satisfy her heart. Who knows how many times he went and got her, bringing her home. And yet, with precious Emma, LOVE WILL win out in the end. You two are a beautiful picture of what it means to be conformed to the image of Jesus. You have scars to prove it, and one day not too long from now in the eternal scheme of things, you will have wholehearted, abandoned love from this daughter you’ve poured your hearts out for.

  4. oh my – this has moved my heart. Every time I tune into your story my heart shifts. I am praying grace upon grace for you. Thanks for letting us getting a glimpse.

  5. !’m falling in love with Emma! Thanking our Lord for the great progress that was made today!! And thank you for faithfully putting this precious story in writing!! Loved the video of Aiden!! He’s so lovable! Can’t wait to get my hands on him!

    Lots of Love, Mom (Memaw)

  6. Praise God! We are thankful for the progress you made today. How wonderful! Thank you, Jesus!
    And, thank you for allowing us to follow along on your adoption journey! We appreciate you!!!
    Love & prayers,
    Steve, Tiffany, Noah, Grace, Elijah, & Chloe

  7. I needed a “good” cry today… Thanks for sharing your journey and all that is in your heart. Praising God for baby steps!

  8. This brought tears to my eyes. God danced the day Emma was born because he knew she would have you as her Mommy to love her and take care of her always.
    Amy

  9. Tracie- Thank you for inviting me to follow this blog! I just caught up on the last several days. Wow, what a hard, yet wonderful lesson of love. I see my own selfish love at times toward my children, looking for something in return. Praise God for the love of the Father and of the Son, that they love us when we don’t return it. Thank you for sharing this hard time with us. To God be the glory for the things He has done, and is doing, in Emma’s heart!!

    Blessings!

  10. Trac and John,

    I’m so proud of how you’ve pushed through all the hardships and heartache and run hard after Emma’s heart. This makes me think so much about how Jesus pursues all of us. He never gives up. He loves, loves and just keeps loving us until His love finally does break through and our hearts are won by Him. We love you all and are praying for the peace of Jesus to be with you. May Jesus wrap you in a blanket of His love and hold you all close to his heart.

    Love, hugs and kisses,

    Ne’, Derek and all your nieces and nephews (waiting for you all to come home)

  11. Wow. Wow. Wow. You guys and your love are amazing. Your story that you are sharing with us continues to bring me to tears, as well as make us laugh out loud (John). 🙂 I can’t fathom the depth and heights of the emotions you are and have been experiencing… but how encouraging to know that day after day regardless of the visible response you see in Emma (and Aiden too), that you are investing in an eternal relationship.
    You are building a relationship that will endure forever built on the rock of love. Who knows how far the movements of your hearts, your prayers, and your gestures of love are knitting your hearts together eternally – regardless of what you can see today. Grace and strength to your beautiful hearts!!! can’t wait for the 2 newest members of the Loux family to get to be a part of the bigger IHOP family as well!

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