If you’ve loved and had your heart broken, you know what it means to try to put a lock on your heart, determined to prevent that heartache from ever happening again. The problem with that, is that we were created for love. We long to be loved, to be truly known. It is so much easy to throw out a  ”who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken” type response. In the midst of the pain of rejection, we try to convince ourselves that we just didn’t need love in the first place. That sounds safe doesn’t it?

But it doesn’t work that way. We try to love again, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Because deep down, we want to be loved, we long to be known.

We were created for it.

So we step into love again, with a guard around our heart.

“It may seem to you,
That I’m acting confused,
When you’re close to me.
If I tend to look dazed,
I’ve read it someplace,
I’ve got cause to be.”

I’ve been taking on a new direction
But I have to say
I’ve been thinking about my own protection
It scares me to feel this way…”

It is absolutely terrifying to trust your heart in the hands of another after being wounded. Sometimes it means forgiving a person you love deeply and allowing that love to keep growing even after deep pain.Sometimes it means walking away from rejected love and trusting your heart to another.

I’ve know the pain of rejection, and have walked through the process of forgiving and learning to love again. I’ve loved others through the filter of my own pain, and even projected that into new relationships. Having walked this out in my own life, gives me a deeper ability to relate to my own child who is struggling to love and be loved.

I get it. It is so  much easier to push back and pretend not to care to “put up our own protection” because we’re “scared to feel this way.”

What does love have to do with it anyway?

It has absolutely EVERYTHING to do with it.

It’s all about love.

We are all a bunch of broken hearted souls trying to love other broken hearted souls. Whether it’s in your  marriage or in your friendships, whether it’s a relationship with your mother or your daughter, your father or your son, I encourage you today to take a deep breath of grace and pour out mercy upon those you are trying desperately to love. Whether you’re the one pushing back with the guarded heart, or whether you’re the one trying to love one who keeps pushing you away, take that deep breath and shift your perspective. Love out of a place of mercy today, and choose to let yourself be loved as well.

Emma with Daddy in 2009. Taking a deep breath and stepping into love. 

Credits to Terry Britten and Graham Lyle co-writers of “What’s Love Got to Do With It” and to Ms. Tina Turner for popularizing this song.

You do not have to love me.  You don’t have to even care. You can punish me and throw your punches. I can take it. I’m pretty tough.

If your heart becomes confused and overwhelmed, you have a safe place here to work it out.  I’m teaching myself how to sort it out. Working hard not to take it personally. Working hard to love the you I see inside and not push away the you that hurts me.

I’m not entirely invincible, so sometimes I cave. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I lash out with words that make it worse. I wish I was a perfect Mom. I’m not. But I’m your mom, and I will fight for your heart.

So broken. Torn apart before you took your first breath in a womb that was not safe. You gasped. You cried. You flailed. You were left alone, broken.

And now I’m here trying to hold the broken pieces in my hands. Holding them out before me to the One, the only One, who can take them and breathe on them the breath  of Life that makes all things new.

I pray. Desperately crying out for the strength to love.  In my own strength, I’m a hopeless case. But I lean on One who is the hope of all mankind, and I fight to love because He fought for me.

And because you my dear are worth it.

I want my daughters to always feel pretty.

I want each of my daughters to radiate the type of beauty, innocence, and virtue than causes a man to want to honor her, protect her, and defend her- the kind of beauty that causes a man to want to sweep her off her feet one day and spend his whole life making her feel like a princess.

Everywhere we look, our culture is screaming for young girls to be “sexy” or “hot.”  Our daughters are bombarded. The magazines racks with their neon signs are telling young girls how to be “good in bed” or how to get a “hot body” in 30 days, showing the latest in fashion, and holding up an unrealistic, unachievable, paint-brushed standard. The entire focus is on the external package, with nothing, nothing at all, encouraging young women to walk with integrity or to cultivate their hearts. And let’s not forget the young men who have these images and headlines emblazoned in their minds too. Deep inside they  know they long for a young woman with whom they can share their heart and relate to emotionally. Deep inside young men want to be the hero and the defender.

Society is pushing our children to focus on the external while the internal crumbles.

I want my daughters to have beautiful hearts that are reflected in an external beauty that is pure and innocent. I want the beauty that is seen on the outside to radiate from their eyes and their beautiful smiles, a reflection of a heart that is loving and kind, full of virtue.

I want my sons to see the beauty in the heart of a young woman and defend her at all costs. I want my sons to look at the external through they eyes of their hearts and honor every young woman they meet, keeping their hearts pure.

The other day I took my sweet little girls to a “little girl spa” where they had their hair done, their nails painted,  got to wear some princess make up, and were sprinkled with sparkles. The picture above is Elia “before.” So pretty, so beautiful inside and out. I wouldn’t change a thing.

There was nothing wrong with our time together. It was so fun! Afterward the girls were thrilled with their shiny lips and sparkly hair, but it didn’t make them feel “better” about themselves. It was momentary, and by bedtime they were glad to take out the bobby pins and wash off the glitter.  They know they are pretty because their daddy and their brothers tell them all the time. Their eyes light up every time they are told, “Oh, you are so pretty!”

We are fighting against a culture that screams for “hotness,” while we try to instill in our daughters that they are fearfully and wonderfully made, beautiful because of hearts that seek to be pure, and so very, very pretty.

All the glitter and gloss doesn’t make this child “pretty.”

She simply is.

Pretty.

Very, very pretty.

I want my words to bring life. I want my words to speak the truth and pour out love on those receiving them. I want my words to bring forth smiles, hope, and laughter.

Proverbs 12:8 reads, “Wreckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

I’ve used my words to pierce at times, but my hearts desire is for my words to heal and breathe life into the one receiving them.

Proverbs 16:24 reads, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

I feel like this is a year for me to write more. I dream of writing books. They bounce around in my head, chapters, sentences, words…

My parents gave me a new Bible when I was a teenager. I still carry it. It is missing pages now (thanks kids), but I love it. It is familiar. I know where to find stuff. I have written in the margins, I have underlined and highlighted. I have had a relationship with that Book, and I don’t want a new one. (Well, I would like to get Romans chapters 5-7 back.)

In this Bible, in my mother’s handwriting, are the words, ” ‘He who refreshes others, will himself be refreshed.’ Proverbs 11:25. You are a refresher, Tracie.” 

That is the desire of my heart to refresh others with my words.

That is my singular resolution for 2012.

I pray that the Lord will pour into that desire and give me words that show love, give hope, words that that heal, and words that bring laughter and joy.

This is baby Jonah. A few months before my Mattie was born, this little guy entered the world and needed a family. I was blessed to be part of helping Jonah find his forever family and many of you witnessed the miracle of the financial provision for his adoption. If you want to read a great testimony of the love of God and the obedience of the Body of Christ, READ HERE and then  READ HERE! 

Jonah came for a visit last week and I was so blessed to be able to snuggle this precious miracle again! He was kind of sleepy, but look at those yummy cheeks!

I love this little man, even if he doesn’t understand why I love him so much!

And then Mattie and Jonah got to meet! Here’s Jonah’s beautiful Momma, Angela and I with our handsome boys!

We hold unswervingly to the hope that we profess because He who promised is indeed Faithful! (Hebrews 10:23) And He will complete all that he began in us. (Phil.1:6)

Celebrating the Love and Kindness of God

and the gift of Redemption

that has been given to each of us

through the Life of His Son Jesus.

The Loux Family

John and Tracie

Nicholas, Taylor, Isabelle, Aiden, Emma, Elia, and Matthias

The day I met him, I had come to his house, invited by his older brother John, to a Bible study- the “safe” excuse for a first date. I could tell from the moment we said “hello” that this kid was full of it. He had that look in his eye that said, “Well see if you’re good enough for my brother.” Fortunately for all of us, I am not one who is easily intimidated, but I pity the other girls who tried to win the heart of John Loux. I hear that Derek scared many of them off.

At the time I started dating John, I was working a part time job at a juvenile detention facility to help pay my way through college. I remember one day coming over to John’s parents house for dinner after work. I was sharing that I had taken a class that day in  physical restraint so that I could protect both myself and the kids in any kind of volatile situation.  After hearing about my training, Derek chimed in that there was no way I could be strong enough to restrain a teenager like him. (I think at the time I was 5′ 2″ and barely 105 pounds.)

Because I was just as competitive and strong-willed as Derek, and just could not handle this punk telling me that I couldn’t, I challenged him to come at me and give it his best shot. As I recall, he threw a punch at me, and with in a seconds I had him face down on the family room carpet.

I won that day. Yes, his face hit the carpet, and I got to say “told you so,” but he also decide to give me a chance with his brother. And I am so glad.

That was 22 years ago and from that day on, Derek has never stopped challenging me. His very life was a challenge to be reckoned with. He challenged me to work hard in relationships, he challenged me in my pursuit of the Lord, and he challenged me to walk out my faith each day living with no regrets.

I want to love well. I want to live my life, fully knowing that when this life ends, I have done well.

Derek challenged me in life and still challenges me in death.

I miss him so much.

Jesus Christ our Redeemer, the one who came as a baby, walked among us as a real Man becoming familiar with all of the struggles of this life, and then gave His very life so that I could be set free and welcomed into His family, deserves to be worshipped and adored. Christmas is a celebration of His life and the many gifts that He has given to each of us. It is a precious time of year where we marvel at the miracle of His life.

I give gifts to my children because I love them. I give to them out of a grateful heart for each life that the Father has entrusted to me. The gifts that I give to my children feel much like “Thank You Gifts to Jesus.”  As I pour my love out on my children through gifts that show them that they are loved and known, I feel such a sweet sense of worship flow out of my heart to the feet of the King of all Kings.

My children were surprised this year by a wonderful local organization that asked if they could send Santa to our house with gifts. They had chosen several families in the area who had medically fragile, homebound children.

So Santa came.

He came into my living room and gave to my children.

They were full of joy and gratitude. Emma said more times than I can count, “Thank you Santa. I love this!”

What a sweet memory this will be for my children, but not one that will remove their eyes from the reason that we celebrate.

Elia, who as you can see from the photos declared herself to be “too shy,” said later, “How did he know I liked horses? I can’t believe Santa knew I liked horses.”

Oh sweet girl, Santa knew you liked horses because Jesus who knows you from the inside out gave you a Momma who loves you from the inside out and cares about your heart’s desires.

As much as I love to write, I am glad that the story of my life is being written by Someone Else.

I never could have dreamed this up.

Remember  junior high? Writing the names of boys on your note book? Or even try out “Mrs.” in front of your secret crush’s last name.

I think the Father smiled at that and chuckled knowing He didn’t need my help.

Remember discussing what job you would have? How many children you would have? Picking out their names?

It was fun. It was the stuff that childhood is made of, but all the while Someone Else was dreaming bigger than I ever could have.

And His dream was incredible.

Back when I was writing “Mrs. ______” (Can’t share all my secrets), He was writing Mrs. John Loux.

And oh my heart is so very glad.

This is the man He chose for me. He loves me well. Loves my children well.

This is the man that stopped and looked at me from across an enormous pile of laundry last week and said, “I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else. You know all the stuff you dream about, the stuff you think is so important. Music. Life on a stage. None of that matters compared to what we’re doing now. I wouldn’t change a thing.”

With tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, I nodded, “Yes.”

And how many kids did you want? I think I wanted three.

I got three.

And then three more.

And then….

I was probably Isabelle’s age when I started dreaming about the family I would have one day.

I wonder what is inside this beautiful dreamer’s head.

I wonder what Someone Else is dreaming up in His head about her.

And for chapter of the story that I am now living, I will be forever grateful. Forever in awe.

Who could have dreamed something as magnificent as Matthias Samuel Loux.

Never in my wildest dreams.

But Someone Else did.

And I am glad.

So when it is hard, which is often. And when I feel stretched beyond what I could have ever imagined, which is nearly every day, I choose to fix my gaze upon the story in front of me and give thanks.

It is a good story.

“The Orphan Justice Center’s new hardback children’s book “Redemption,” a true adoption story, has now been released. You can buy it for $25 and all proceeds will go to the Orphan Justice Center. Please, won’t you think about buying one as a Christmas gift? It’s a beautiful book about the adoption of Derek and Renee’ Loux’s three boys from Eastern Europe. It will move your heart and will help children to understand more about God’s heart for his priceless ones…the orphan. And please help spread the word! Thanks so much!Lulu has a sale right now 25% of any order! Use the coupon code: COUNTDOWN at checkout.” CLICK HERE TO ORDER!

As a family we are approaching the 2nd anniversary of Derek’s death, and the pain of his loss is more real than ever. I am so blessed that the message of Derek’s life is going out in this book in a way that will reach the next generation and capture their hearts with passion to love and care for the orphan. I have watched my beautiful sister Renee’ continue to walk out the passionate dream that she and Derek carried deep in their hearts. She has walked it out with grace and beauty leaning on her beloved Jesus for strength. Not giving up, not setting down the torch. I am so blessed by the way she has carried her heart. I know that nothing would bless her more than to see 1000′s of these children’s books under Christmas tree’s this year, touching the hearts of children and families across the world.

The book “Redemption” was inspired not only by Derek and Renee’s journey to Ukraine, but also by this post that Derek wrote while in Ukraine adopting their boys. I’ve shared it before, but I feel the need to share it again.